Okay, we're gonna load one my favorite games here, uh... Here we have, uh, The End is Nigh. It's a classic, old-school platforming game, and you know, it's one of my favorites. One of my favorite games. You've got your classic controls: got your jumping, you've got your going left and right and, like always in these games, avoid the spikes.
[CARTRIDGE BREAKS]
Wait, what? Oh, shit. Oh no! NO! NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-NO! NO! OH, FUCK! OOH FUCK! Oh God, no, this can't be broke. Here, let me get the cartridge out...
[Blowing on the cartridge, inserting it back in]
Okay... Oh no, it's still not working! Oh fuck! FUCK, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?! FUUUUUUUUCK!
[Writing a note]
Dear anybody reading this, I'm probably dead. That wouldn't be surprising. Everybody else is. There was some kind of apocalypse and- and all that was left was me. Well, most of me. All in all, you know, hasn't been so bad! Til yesterday. My favorite game cartridge finally broke. So now I'm gonna go out and make a friend!
[Ash's note lists his four-part plan for making a friend: head, heart, body, and video game]
I'll have to go out there... Outside... It's a dangerous, twisted place full of death, decay, and... well, death, mostly. But you know what? Imagine all the fun we'll have, me and my friend, you know? Collecting tumors, spitting teeth for distance... And, you know, if I do it right... repopulate the world. Won't be easy, but I have nothing left to lose! Except my other eye... Oh well, fuck it!
(CLEARED)
Aand there you go! Done. That was a lot easier than I expected. Anyway, this is Ash to anyone out there who may be watching this, saying... Stay inside, kids!
Dear Best Friend, Last night was AMAZING! We have so much in common you and I! I mean, it was great! The whole night was great! So, I took some pictures, you know, just to remember all of the great times we've had. Spoilers: the photos are great! Ahh, I love that cheeky little wink you did in that last picture. So naughty... What I really can't believe is that we both like video games and flies! What are the chances of that, right? When I made you, I had my doubts... But, you know, you turned out to be the real deal! That hardship was totally worth it! I'm heading to bed. My head is still spinning from all that juice we drank. Almost feels like you slipped something into my drink... H-how are you feeling? Did- Did you have as good a time as I did? We- we can talk about it tomorrow. One last question, okay? Do you like me as much as I like you?
W-what? What? Oh... Oh, fuck. What the fuck? HOW THE FUCK DOES THE EARTH DIE TWICE?!
When I found you attached to a giant... glowing orb very deep beneath the earth, I- I didn't know what to think! You know, when you- when you left, the world was... it just got FUCKED! And you know what? The world was pretty damn fucked to begin with! Ugh... Part of me wanted revenge for what you had done to my life... And another part wanted to save you from whatever was taking you from me, but... Ugh. You know, I think I see the full picture now. When I saw you down there, on that weird, creepy glowing orb... I- I think I understand. We- we're just different people, you and I. As we shared our last exchange, as a final parting gesture you wiggled your foot at me, and something deep inside me told me it was time to say... Goodbye.
I used to think laughing was an easy thing,
A tiny silver bell that learned to ring...
Now I haven't left the house in a little while,
Unread letters in a dusty pile...
The end is nigh, my friend,
I will be brave.
Pick up the pieces of a dream I save...
I'll miss the sound of your voice
Inside my head tonight...
Dropped my penny in a wishing well.
Nice to have a friend in this burning hell.
Lazy eye and a crooked grin,
Didn't have a heart 'til you let me in...
The end is nigh, my friend,
I will be brave.
Pick up the pieces of a dream I save...
I'll miss the sound of your voice
Inside my head tonight...
Levelled and twisted in the frozen ground...
What kind of prison is the love I found?
Bombs are falling like lemon drops,
Blood shooting out of the chimney tops...
The end is nigh, my friend,
I will be brave.
Pick up the pieces of a dream I save...
I'll miss the sound of your voice
Inside my head tonight...
...my head tonight...
The only thing I remember from before, you know... the End is my right thumb. One day I slammed it in my car's door and... it half-tore the nail off my thumb. It hurt like a bitch! After time, like, a week or so later, this little new nail started to grow underneath. And it was pushing the old nail out, it was just, like, hanging off and it kept getting caught on my clothes... and if I rolled over it in my sleep, it kinda woulda hurt... And I just got aggravated and sick of it and one day I just tore the nail off! And there was this tiny shriveled thumbnail underneath, all gnarled and disgusting... I was wondering... was it ever gonna grow back right? Is my thumb ever gonna look normal again or... is this just gonna be my thumb now, for the rest of my life?
I was picking at it when the bombs fell...
With his last bit of effort, Ash slid atop his throne. Having climbed the Tower of Ascension, his life had finally been given meaning. He had accomplished something no one else had, and was reaping the rewards. The height he had climbed had given him a new vantage point... A new perspective. As he gazed out on the world he once lived in, something caught his eye. A small piece of paper hanging from the wall, swaying gently in the wind... Something was written on it.
"FUCK OFF!"
Fuck off? Who in the hell climbs a tower like this only to leave a note that only says 2 words on it? Let alone the F word. And who the hell concludes a trial that asks so much of the player with an ending that says "FUCK OFF" in big, bold letters? But wait... There is something drawn on the back!
"JK, LOOK DOWN..."
And that's when Ash noticed the bones littering the ground around him. He followed their trail back behind the throne, where they interlocked, forming a ladder leading up into the tower's peak. As he climbed the remains of all that ascended the tower before him, he looked up. A spire of skulls, ribs, and spinal columns rose into the night's sky, farther than the eye could see. Each stepping stone, a legacy, a lifetime left behind to aid in the journey towards something unknown. Ash, looking forward, took one last deep breath and started his ascension into the Aether.
TO BE CONTINUED